Posts

of gratitude and joy.

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Recently, Josh pointed out to me that I tend to complain...a lot. And apparently that's not the nicest thing to be around. As I thought about it (and it didn't take me long), I realized he was completely right. Furthermore, my constant harping made me feel worse and grumpy all the time. So I resolved to make a change.

I started a bullet journal of little things that make me happy. It is literally the smallest act, but after two days I am honestly noticing a difference! The biggest one? Surprise! I feel the spirit more!

As I was thinking about all the things that made me happy today, I meditated on my love of history. One of my lifelong goals is to memorize all 45 (46 if you count Cleveland twice) United States presidents and their cabinets. I fantasized about a future in which I teach history to punk teens who don't really care, but it's all okay because history is amazing. When I think about it long enough, I have dangerous ideas like maybe pursuing even higher educa…

how to have a fight.

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note: this post was not supposed to be NEARLY this sappy, but it just happened, and i'm going to roll with it



Marriage has a learning curve, and I'm always so interested when I think about all the things I have learned about myself and the way I was raised since marrying The Brit.

Josh and I honestly don't fight very often at all, and when we do it's usually when I'm depressed or stressed out. But something I have learned about myself is that I really don't like confrontation. I prefer to run away, roll into a ball, cover my face with a blanket--anything to escape conflict. But you know what is really unhelpful in a long term committed relationship? Escapism, that's what.

I really hate confrontation, but I get a little bit better at it with every day, and I owe it all to Josh. I'm so grateful for the way he gently and patiently tells me what is on his mind and waits for me to go through the 12 stages of grief with every single disagreement. I'm grat…

#blessed

Sometimes the stresses in life pile one on top of another until I am certain I am going to suffocate under the pressure. One by one, over the last few weeks, each of these stresses has been lifted, and it feels SO GOOD TO BREATHE. There came a point last week where we got some good news and I immediately began sobbing, dropped to my knees and thanked my God for watching out for me.

There's nothing like a bitter cold winter to make you bask in the summer sun.

So here's how life is going:

+Josh finished off winter semester really strong! He took some really difficult classes, and we didn't think he was going to pass one of them, which is stressful enough as it is, but when you add the fact that his visa is dependent on his school performance and if he failed he would've been deported... Never have I been so delighted at such a mediocre grade! Josh passed, and he gets to stay in the country! Hurray!

+I started school again after a one-year hiatus, and I was very very anxi…

squish.

i only ever write when everything is wrong. i want to record my life when things are right, but i live in constant fear that the "good times" are fleeting.

and they usually are.

or maybe i'm just a hopeless pessimist.

anxiety is kicking my butt. i can't breathe. i feel like an ant under a shoe.

only everything is in slow motion--i see the shoe ready to drop, but i am still not dead. i'm just waiting, dreading.

the B-word.

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i think i have more hormones than the average female human. as a teenager, i fell for a new boy pretty much every week and i fell hard. when i became an adult and married the brit, i thought my weird hormonal antics would end.
they did not end. they just shifted.

i no longer chase after men like a dog chases steak. now i chase babies. i swear to ghandi, i can sense a baby's cry from a mile away, and when a baby cries, i cry (although i am a sympathetic crier, so a lot of things make me cry. BUT MOSTLY IT'S BABY-RELATED THINGS). when i walk into a room, i instantly and unconsciously scout for infants, and i go out of my way to hold them, to smile at them, to smell them.

before we were married, josh and i talked about family plans and we both agreed that we wanted a massive family. the day we were sealed we both received revelation/decided that "family planning" was not something we particularly wanted to do. whenever God gave us babies, we would welcome them with open…

how do you define yourself?

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So often I see Insagram bios and social media headers wherein people define themselves by their careers, or the number of children they have, or what they do for fun. It got me to thinking about how I ought to define myself.


I used to be Singer. My mother used to say that I could sing before I could talk, and I believed her. In middle school, I was that choir kid who sang everywhere: during class, in the hall, even the bathroom. People would make sarcastic comments, and even as insecure of a kid as I was, I never worried about my singing. In high school, I competed with it and I was kind of a big deal. ;) I discovered my niche for opera, and started taking voice lessons to train that classical side. And in college, I studied it!

I remember a lecture in my method class where the professor suggested we develop a list of defining characteristics, from least defining to most. Mine consisted of something along the lines of "I am an auntie, I am a sister, I am a daughter, I am a baker, I…

a love affair with mental illness.

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This post has been months in the making. It's something I think about a lot, and I always say to myself "I should put this on my blog" but when I write it down, the words never seem right. What I really wish is that Josh would write about it, but he is only vaguely aware that this little site exists, and I prefer to keep it that way for now.

It's not a secret that I struggle with anxiety and depression. I'm not embarrassed about it, and I really don't mind people knowing, not because I love attention, but because it's something I know a lot of people go through, and I wished I had known about it sooner.

We recently lost our insurance because we could't afford it, and no insurance means no meds. Truth be told, I hadn't been taking my meds for a few months even before we lost our insurance, and I was still doing really well, so I though, eh. No big deal. Maybe I'm cured!

Yeah. Literally everyone with depression/anxiety/mental illness goes through t…