we are never ever ever getting back together

from my music-major days

"If it makes you sad that you don't sing anymore, then sing. You have control over this situation."

Except I don't. I really don't.

Music is like an ex-lover after a nasty breakup.  I loved it.  I still love it.  I'll never get over my love for it, but I don't think I will ever have the strength to go back.

I spend most of my time ignoring that part of my life.  Forgetting it ever happened, or trying to, at least.  There was a period of time I couldn't listen to any music at all without bursting into tears.  Slowly it trickled back in.  The first was punk--the opposite of my area of study.  I eventually got to a place where I could actually go through the motions of a normal day without wanting to die.

But there are still times when I'll hear an aria in a kid's movie, or run into someone I used to study with, and the feelings come back.

They are happy at first.  I think of my successes in the craft, the praise I received and how much passion I had.  It wasn't that I was good at singing, it was about the way it made me feel big and free and . . . good.

But then the feelings turn dark, and I'm filled with regret, remorse.

Pain.   And it will never go away.

I am not a musician anymore.  I can't be.  And I can't explain why.  It's not as simple as "[taking] control over this situation."  I thought it was once.  I flirted with music again, and it ended in flames and more heartache, more regret, more shame.

I just can't do it anymore and I feel like I've failed.

It's not music's fault--it's not you, it's me.  

But we're never getting back together.


  1. :( Since I don't know why you quit, I can't fully say, "I understand." But... I put away my guitar a few years ago... and I've really never picked it up since. I used to write songs weekly, sometimes daily. I haven't written a song in years. I tried writing a song after Grandma died, for Grandma, and I couldn't finish it. In fact, it's probably been close to a year since I even picked up the guitar. But it's been several since I've written a song. So, I kind of know how it feels...to have this amazing love affair with music and then...it just dies. And when you try to return to it, it just brings up all the bad. That's how it feels for me anyway. Anyway... I'm sorry for your loss. It's a tough one.


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