we are never ever ever getting back together
|from my music-major days|
"If it makes you sad that you don't sing anymore, then sing. You have control over this situation."
Except I don't. I really don't.
Music is like an ex-lover after a nasty breakup. I loved it. I still love it. I'll never get over my love for it, but I don't think I will ever have the strength to go back.
I spend most of my time ignoring that part of my life. Forgetting it ever happened, or trying to, at least. There was a period of time I couldn't listen to any music at all without bursting into tears. Slowly it trickled back in. The first was punk--the opposite of my area of study. I eventually got to a place where I could actually go through the motions of a normal day without wanting to die.
But there are still times when I'll hear an aria in a kid's movie, or run into someone I used to study with, and the feelings come back.
They are happy at first. I think of my successes in the craft, the praise I received and how much passion I had. It wasn't that I was good at singing, it was about the way it made me feel big and free and . . . good.
But then the feelings turn dark, and I'm filled with regret, remorse.
Pain. And it will never go away.
I am not a musician anymore. I can't be. And I can't explain why. It's not as simple as "[taking] control over this situation." I thought it was once. I flirted with music again, and it ended in flames and more heartache, more regret, more shame.
I just can't do it anymore and I feel like I've failed.
It's not music's fault--it's not you, it's me.
But we're never getting back together.