a love affair with mental illness.

This post has been months in the making. It's something I think about a lot, and I always say to myself "I should put this on my blog" but when I write it down, the words never seem right. What I really wish is that Josh would write about it, but he is only vaguely aware that this little site exists, and I prefer to keep it that way for now.

It's not a secret that I struggle with anxiety and depression. I'm not embarrassed about it, and I really don't mind people knowing, not because I love attention, but because it's something I know a lot of people go through, and I wished I had known about it sooner.

We recently lost our insurance because we could't afford it, and no insurance means no meds. Truth be told, I hadn't been taking my meds for a few months even before we lost our insurance, and I was still doing really well, so I though, eh. No big deal. Maybe I'm cured!

Yeah. Literally everyone with depression/anxiety/mental illness goes through that. Me, for example. I do it every few months. Wow, I feel so good on these medications, I'm probably cured! So I stop taking them.... and then it comes back???? What??

Disclaimer: Don't be an idiot like me. Do not take yourself off your medications... it's stupid.

But anyway. I'm not medicated and I feel like crap. Some days I am fine, some days I am just really moody and mean, but some days I actually want to die. And it's so hard on my sweet husband. He has told me he wakes up every day and isn't sure if he is going to get to spend the day with Emilee or with Depression. Depression and I, we're like two different souls that share a body, and really, only Josh can differentiate between us. I always think I'm being normal, or that hiding under the covers and sobbing for no reason at all is just normal. Or those thoughts that everyone hates me and wishes I was dead are my thoughts. But they're not.

It's not a fun way to live, but we (read: Josh) has learned to handle it really well. I just wish it wasn't something he had to "handle."

Early on in our courtship, pretty much as soon as we decided we were going to marry, the depression started. At first it was just lethargy. I required SO much more sleep. I didn't have energy for anything, ever. The anxiety came shortly thereafter. I remember being at Josh's apartment one evening when his roommates were having an FHE potluck. There were so many people, and I didn't know any of them. I distinctly remember wanting to crawl under the coffee table, pull a blanket over my head and cry.

That makes no sense. Like, obviously, they would still see and hear me. But here's the crazies for ya. They don't make any sense.

Over time, more and more symptoms piled on to the point that I couldn't function at all. Most of the time, I physically could not get out of my bed. Often times I would hide under my covers and cry because I could't even leave my bedroom to use the bathroom (for DAYS at a time) because one of my roommates would see me and I was sure that I would... I don't know, turn to stone or something? haha, it's funny to me now. But I was very, VERY unwell. All the while, I kept telling myself "it's nothing. I am fine. This will go away, I just need a good nap," etc.

It took about 6 months for me to reach out for help about it, and after that it was another 8 months until I found the right medication and stabilized on it to the point that I felt ready to get married and turn my crazy self into Josh's hands. (also, therapy. loooots of therapy).

I don't even know what I'm really trying to say in this post. I guess it's a confession of guilt? I'm not 100% faithful to my marriage--I have a love affair with mental illness.

I thought our games were over when I married Josh. I thought the temptations would never be a problem again, but sometimes depression comes to play, and I put the illness's desires before my husband's needs.

I am worlds better than I was two years ago, or even one year ago. My breakdowns are fewer and further between, and when they do happen, I snap back all the faster. I just regret submitting my perfect ;)  husband to such infidelity. It's not fair that he has to share me with my depression.

But I am so lucky. I am so blessed, because he stays.


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