the B-word.


i think i have more hormones than the average female human. as a teenager, i fell for a new boy pretty much every week and i fell hard. when i became an adult and married the brit, i thought my weird hormonal antics would end.

they did not end. they just shifted.

i no longer chase after men like a dog chases steak. now i chase babies. i swear to ghandi, i can sense a baby's cry from a mile away, and when a baby cries, i cry (although i am a sympathetic crier, so a lot of things make me cry. BUT MOSTLY IT'S BABY-RELATED THINGS). when i walk into a room, i instantly and unconsciously scout for infants, and i go out of my way to hold them, to smile at them, to smell them.

before we were married, josh and i talked about family plans and we both agreed that we wanted a massive family. the day we were sealed we both received revelation/decided that "family planning" was not something we particularly wanted to do. whenever God gave us babies, we would welcome them with open arms.

i pretty much assumed that i, like my mother, would get pregnant right away. one day in our fourth month of marriage, i noticed that my period was late. i was pregnant, i knew it. i could feel it in my soul. eight pregnancy tests begged to differ. (i'm not allowed to buy them anymore... ;) i was surprised to find myself sobbing when "aunt flo" arrived that month, and just about every month since.

it's a weird thing. i am a very young woman. i did not plan or expect to be married by this age, but now that i am, i cannot keep myself from wanting to progress as a family. and as hard as i try to think with my brain rather than my ovaries, i fail to find the strength to swallow my pride and accept that parenthood is not something i can force. i struggle to accept the fact that life can only be given by God, and in His timing. and ironically, trying to have a baby is simply the other side of the "family planning" coin we decided not to spend.

when i think with my brain, i see that our lack of a child is a blessing right now. we're young, we're poor, we have our entire lives ahead of us. but i almost never think with my brain. my ovaries run the show. and i'm constantly overshadowed by a looming fear that those bossy ovaries might not even work.

it's stupid. i'm stupid. ovaries are stupid. hormones are stupid. i'm so stupid blessed, and all i can think about is what i don't have.

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