of gratitude and joy.

Recently, Josh pointed out to me that I tend to complain...a lot. And apparently that's not the nicest thing to be around. As I thought about it (and it didn't take me long), I realized he was completely right. Furthermore, my constant harping made me feel worse and grumpy all the time. So I resolved to make a change.

I started a bullet journal of little things that make me happy. It is literally the smallest act, but after two days I am honestly noticing a difference! The biggest one? Surprise! I feel the spirit more!

As I was thinking about all the things that made me happy today, I meditated on my love of history. One of my lifelong goals is to memorize all 45 (46 if you count Cleveland twice) United States presidents and their cabinets. I fantasized about a future in which I teach history to punk teens who don't really care, but it's all okay because history is amazing. When I think about it long enough, I have dangerous ideas like maybe pursuing even higher education. Like...PhD, maybe?

Hear me out here. I am a terrible student. At least, that is always how I have seen myself. I've never really studied or turned homework in on time, I procrastinate like crazy. But lately, I've noticed that I am actually a really really good student...when it comes to history. Case in point: I am taking a very difficult World History class (from an overqualified professor--HE SPEAKS 13 LANGUAGES. AND TAUGHT AT CORNELL. WHY ARE YOU IN IDAHO, SIR?). There is a ton of reading, a lot of writing. I have about 2-3 hours of homework for this class every single day. I am also taking a geology class. This class was supposed to be "easy" and "fun."

I have 100% in history. I have.......much less than that in geology. Because I have fun studying what I love!

Anyway. Long tangent, but I was pondering my love of history and I received a revelation that instead of rushing through my education as fast as I can so I can just stay at home and pop out babies, I should really be investing my time and attention toward preparing myself for a fulfilling educational career. I've written about my baby hunger before, so I won't go super in depth. But I have been wasting my time. I've been moping and complaining about my lack of an offspring, making plans for babies that don't exist and then getting extremely depressed when, every month, I'm still not pregnant.

Today I finally realized that I don't need to obsess about babies anymore. Because I have absolutely no control over when that chapter of my life will begin. God giveth and God taketh away. I have shown him my desires, and that's really all I can do.

But do you know what I have complete, 100% control over? My education. Josh and I will have children when the Lord is ready to give them to us. But right here, right now, I am young and I am able. This time is a blessing, and I'm going to take it.


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